Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
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Trying
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Whoa 😂
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset