NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
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I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
[montage of me giving-up]
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs