Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
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Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
cyclists
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.