[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
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My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.