In banana years, I am bread.
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Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.