[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
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As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…