At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
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Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.