Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
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The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!