My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
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it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
My sex drive has a dui
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}