[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
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My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture: