her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
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This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is