Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
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[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
The asteroid..
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.