Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
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Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
True.