People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
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*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code