Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
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I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I wish I were this cool 😂
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
This is sending me to another galaxy
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
🐕🍷
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
My five year plan is a meteorite
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday