My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
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Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.