My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
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we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Genius idea!!
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.