Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
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Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
never ask a starfish for directions
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*