Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
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I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.