Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
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Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.