Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
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Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*