Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
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Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
The first one, obviously
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.