It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
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I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Perfect
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
The dark side of Canada
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.