Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
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Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad