Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
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Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
When the stylist spins you back around
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”