My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
You Might Also Like
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.