HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 馃槈
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
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Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
friend: you鈥檝e been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
sensitive skin
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
A foghorn but for people who can鈥檛 see through their own bullshit.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i鈥檒l take it
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
馃幍Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
馃幍Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
馃幍Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
馃幍Baby shark!馃幎
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that鈥檚 when i realized that maybe religion wasn鈥檛 the right thing for me.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
it鈥檚 so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don鈥檛 want you to be crazy
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.