If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
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Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.