If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
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Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
life finds a way
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”