dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
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Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny