My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
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If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.