me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
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Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Coffee is ready.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich