I wish all tests were things you peed on
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Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
men are simple creatures
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
ouch
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.