Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
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when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
My god she’s good.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
@funTweeters
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea