Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
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Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
My favorite farside!!
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
my lower back watching me try to live my life
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-