[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
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Awwwww shit.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.