The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
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I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time