Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
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There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
mood