My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
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Its a hippotatomus
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
DOOO EEEET
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood