Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
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Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
#SCOTUS one-star review
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids