if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
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People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Ah..makes sense now
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.