[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
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My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Made something I’m not proud of
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
you stereotypes are all alike
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat