[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
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Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO