There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
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Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]