Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
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ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
bro what is going on at twitter
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
What kind of a cult is this?
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.