what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Cat is stressing him out.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread