When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
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*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Who knew!
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
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