*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
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a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed