You Might Also Like
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?