What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
You Might Also Like
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.